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Hikarichan |
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05 Oct 2007 |
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Well, my husband and I are in the Army. I had a baby 6 months ago and that is when we started having problems. I expected him to have issues with my body after the baby, but he went from just looking at porn to going on dating sites and talking to random people he met on the phone about how we always fight. Of course I kept getting upset at him cause I knew something was up and he wasn't telling me. And he still acts like nothing he did was wrong.....
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Hikarichan~
Trust has been broken on several levels here, and I would say if you haven't clarified exactly how with your husband, then you cannot yet go about fixing it until you have clearly identified it, and you both understand why his actions were a problem. Here is the way I see things from what you have shared:
First, your husband broke a trust by being deceptive. His hiding things is equivalent to lying (by deception). He obviously knew there was a problem with his behavior or he wouldn't have hidden it from you. SO hiding things is something that needs to be discussed (why we hide things from each other--usually fear or guilt), the problems that creates or has created, the agreed on (but perhaps unspoken) expectations that were not honored... Is lying OK in your relationship about certain things? Which things? Which things can you agree should and should not be kept secret from one another? WHat degree of privacy do you each expect? Although many people assume these things are understood, it is often the case that the 2 individuals have different responses. It is important to talk them out and come to agreement before you go any further!
Second, your husband is revealing things that are private (your individual privacy) to others without your consent or knowledge. Even though he may think of these matters as his business to disclose, the truth is that you are a part of the situation he is discussing with others, and you have not given your consent for him to involve strangers in your own private matters. He has an obligation to maintain your confidentiality and not discuss your personal matters with people you don't know without your consent. You owe him the same.
Third, what he finds attractive about engaging in this behavior needs to be first clearly understood by him, and also them by you. What needs are being met by doing this? How? By whom? To what degree? How else van those needs be met without going outside the boundaries you two have set for your relationship? You will need to acknowledge and hear these feelings of his.
(continued...
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...Continued
Fourth, it seems like there may be a need to clarify both of your expectations for the boundaries of your relationship. They need to be CLEAR and both of you need to be in mutual agreement.
Fifth, he must be accountable for these particular actions. Did they violate trust or promises? Have they hurt your feelings? How does his looking at porn and sharing emotionally intimate things with other women make you feel? How does he value/care for your feelings in this issue and overall? Does he value for feelings as much as his own? Does it cause you to feel less secure about him and you and the future of your family? He needs to acknowledge these things, and understand the extent of the damage that these actions brought.
Sixth, you must know what you want and are willing to do--both of you. You must both be brutally honest with yourselves and with each other about what you can and cannot, and what you are willing to/not willing to accept. You must clearly define your own boundaries around that--again--each of you. Don't say you cannot accept lying, for example, but continue to accept it daily by ignoring it or refusing to act on it, even in small things. You must both be willing to establish and understand each other's boundaries and limitations, and do so in a spirit of loving. You must also each be clear on whether you are willing to love each other, even in struggles.
Seventh, you must decide and agree that you are both willing to move forward from this point and make a commitment to each other and to your healing. Recommitting to really cherish each other and honor one another in your everyday actions. If you are religious and it is your practice, pray together about it. If that's not your style, don't worry. Just be as brutally honest as you can about it.
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...continued
Finally, it might be a good idea to get a counselor or chaplain or someone else objective to help you have this tough dialogue. The emotions will run high around this because neither of you is feelings understood or that your needs are being met, and feelings have been hurt and trusts broken. The dialogue is likely to become heated and/or intense, but that doesn't mean it can't be worked out.
Address this issue as soon as possible, and let it be resolved so further resentments don't fester and grow. When you have cleared the air again and resolved this issue, you will have a good foundation for beginning to trust again. Trust must be rebuilt, and it must be earned through daily actions of honesty with yourselves and each other, open dialogue, and lots of effort. Very important: Especially at first-- being EXTRA open and gentle about ALL matters that concern your relationship will be critical. As time moves on, you will feel less and less need to question one another's actions because you will have rebuilt some trust between you which allows you to know in your heart that your partner would do everything in his power to avoid hurting you...
Good luck, and I hope this is helpful to you and your family is blessed through this struggle somehow :)
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Lovelyme |
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31 Jul 2007 |
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Welcome to the group, hikalichan (is this a japanese name?)
And thanks amore01 for the great comment.
I agree with amore, you need to solve this as soon as possible. I have read your other thread, which says that you cant have sex with your husband. I guess it may give him some stress, so he need to find a way to release. Sex is not all, but is an important thing among a relationship. Have a good talk with your husband. And meanwhile see the doctor to cure the problem with your body. I know its hard to create romantic moment with a 6 month old baby who always need attention and energy. But do find time to spend with your husband, this is improtant. Also, you can ask your husband to take care of the baby, so you can go to beauty salon to get a refresh look or get new dress. Remember, start from small things, and show your passion to him.
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Thank goodness you're back, Lovelyme! Poor Hikarichan got a virtual novel from me while she was waiting! :) Your answer is very practical, as usual. :)
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Hikarichan |
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05 Oct 2007 |
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Thank you both for your excellent advice! It has helped me to get on a better mindset about all this and hopefully my husband and I can sort everything out better now.
And to answer your question Lovelyme, yes hikarichan is japanese. I love Anime, and my friends and I, when we were in high school researched our names translated and my name translated into Hikari Kagayaku.
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Lovelyme |
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Executive Blurter |
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31 Jul 2007 |
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My boyfriend also like japanese anime and manga. He is reading manga 30 mins every day. And he download it with english translation, very handy. I think its from mangahelpers.com, not quite sure yet.
And i really hope things can work ourt between you and your husband. You guys have a baby now, it needs to work out as soon as possible.
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How Do I Trust My Husband That Has Been On Dating Sites?
How Do I Trust My Husband That Has Been On Dating Sites? 
