I Want To Help My Cousin... But How?

CelticsGrl, you are very thoughtful and caring, and your cousin should be lucky to have you as a relative.  I understand your concern and feel your pain just observing what your cousin is going through.  Unfortunately, everyone needs to learn their own lessons in their own time.  There really are no golden rules that will help her "see the light".  Love is blind and that's pretty much how it goes.  They say hindsight is 20-20, if only I would have heard and listened to all the people that warned me about past relationships, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.  But, it was with time, knowledge and experience that I learned on my own what was best for me.

Your cousin is eight years younger than you and if she regards you almost as an older sister, you should be able to explain to her exactly how you feel about her qualities and help to build up her confidence and self-respect.

Is she sleeping with this guy, or was the pregnancy the result of a one-off seduction/rape?  If they regularly sleep together with her consent then her feelings are likely to be very confused because the strong emotional bond produced between two people who regularly have sex, particularly in the woman towards the man, will make it difficult for her to see how unsuitable he is.  It is normal for women in this position to feel that their lover's "defects and mistakes" are somehow their fault, not the man's.

Bear in mind also that abusers often attack the confidence of their partner by suggesting that they are so unattractive no-one else could possibly want them and that their abuser is their only likely chance of a relationship.  Abusers often also feel that it is normal to hurt the person you love most in the world.

Did she have an abortion?  Did she miscarry?  Has she had the baby?  Is she still pregnant?  All of these situations will complicate the way she feels.

Is this man physically violent towards her as well as unfaithful and emotionally abusive?  Think carefully, because she will not necessarily admit it to anyone else, even you, if he is.  You may well need to look for outwards signs, such as black eyes and odd cuts and bruises that she always seems to have a plausible excuse for which may not quite stack up on close examination.

I would never suggest that you should not confront her with your suspicions if you believe that she is the victim of domestic violence as well.  But be prepared, if that is the case, for her to defend her boyfriend passionately.  Friends of mine who have suffered domestic violence say that at the time they felt so humiliated that someone else had found out about their degradation that their first reaction was to defend their abusive lover, in some cases literally tooth and claw.

Try to address the situation by showing her practically, as well as telling her, you believe that she is worth better than his treatment of her, rather than running him down directly.  The latter course will never work!  Be affectionate and try to keep your temper however unreasonable she seems.  She probably gets enough anger from him and will just switch off if she gets it from you too.

One very important thing you could do for her if he is physically violent and you believe her to be in actual danger is to find out about women's refuges in your area.  Talk to the people there, as they will be able to give you far better advice than I can.

And another very important thing:  Where are her parents in all this?  If they are alive and normal loving parents, talk to them as well.  Surely you all want the best for her and you should work together.

All the very best, and do post how things turn out, won't you.

She is a fortunate girl to have a caring cousin like you.