I'm In A Defacto Relationship Which Is Fairly New. The Problem Is That My Ex-husband Keeps Dropping In Whenever It Suits Him. We Parted On Friendly Terms And Certainly, I Want Him To Still Feel At Home Where I And The Children Live, But He Overdoes It. He Just Walks Straight In, Goes To The Fridge As If It's His Place And Sometimes, Stalks Around Aggressively. Naturally. It Makes My New Partner Very Uncomfortable. I've Tried To Explain It To Him But He Says I'm Making Too Much Of It, That He Accepts My New Relationship And Doesn't Mean Anything By Coming Round. I Was The One That Chose To Break Up Their Marriage And I'm Very Happy Now With My New Guy. I Don't Want To Lose Him Because Of The Way Bill's Acting. What Can You Suggest?

There's nothing for it, i'm afraid. You're going to have to take a firm line with your ex-husband. Whether he is trying to spoil things for you or not, he's managimg to do just that. When there are children involved in a break-up, you're never really separated but as you made the choice to live apart from your husband and are trying to build a new relationship, it's only fair that you should be given a clear run.

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Ooops, I guess I read your question wrong... But I guess my answer still somewhat applies.

Why did you and your husband and you break up if it was on friendly terms? I've never heard of that before. It's either I can't stand you or, I can stand you enough to stay friends and work this out. Did you fall out of love? Think you're in love with this new guy?

I hate how blurtit limits the number or words you can use on a question that people ask.

If it bothered you *that* much, by now, you would have said something... But maybe you're one of those too nice people who keep it all within. ( My mom is like that, bothers the heck out of me. She waits until the worst time and lets everything out, like a whole 6 months worth) Let your feelings out to your ex. Give him quote un quote visitation times. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable that he might be at your house when you're all running errands if you want to say it nicely.

Or... Tell him the truth. Tell him you two are over for a reason, go through the courts and get custody times for the kids if he wants to see them and that visitation doesn't need to involve you because it's interfering with your personal/love life.

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Always remember that it's great in the begining... It's new, it's fun to find someone new and have that new lover's chemistry, but something *will* get in your way. He'll want kids, you don't, you'll want marriage, you won't... I don't know, something like that.

Are you looking for "the one" in this new relationship?

That's what I'd do... Keep that friendly relationship with your ex that makes it feel like home. Because in the end, all you really need is a place to call home.

(But i'm only 20... what do i know about anything? haha)

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Change your locks. You and your ex went your separate ways for a reason, you're just doing a better job of moving on than he is. You should not feel an obligation to let your ex "feel at home" under your roof just because there are children involved. Visitation does not entitle you ex to barging in unannounced or raiding your fridge. Your ex should be scheduling visitation (if a schedule isn't already pounded out in your divorce decree) and abiding by that schedule. I don't know anyone who's available all the time, as your ex seems to think your entire household is. Yes, you are a mother, but your are also a woman, and you aren't HIS woman any more. He needs to respect that. It truly sounds to me like your ex is using "visitation" as a tool to disrupt your new relationship, even though he says he "supports" it.

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