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I pretty much want to delete my Blurtit account, but there aren't any options of doing so in the account section, which is lame,

19 May 2008 18:15

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Your story kind of reminds me of my own. So, may be i can help you with this. He's a lucky guy because there is some one who cares about him and that's You. PAST is past, what ever he did what ever mistakes he made, made in past. You said" he never cheated on you" that means he really loves you. You said he's changed. Who has he changed for? And why would he lie to you he hasn't changed. If he's lying it actually means he's afraid of telling you the truth because he's afraid you might leave him. Love can change people, Love can change lives. He must have changed for you. Don't think about past it will only create misunderstandings, think about present and the future. This will help you a lot to make your relationship even stronger.

Unrated 1 ratings		by fh_shafqat 20 May 2008 07:54		Add a Comment Show All Comments [0] Flag

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Well, Dr. Phil says a person's past behavior is an indicator of a person's future behavior... All that to say, believing in a person who has decided to make big changes in his life deserves serious consideration also. The past really should be the past unless he shows signs of not being deserving of your trust.

Unrated 0 ratings		by kdrg123 20 May 2008 02:50		Add a Comment Show All Comments [1] Flag

Thank you, I agree that the past should be the past, but also he has showed some small signs of not beign deserving of my trust; tiny lies about nothing particularly significant, but he has always known about my hatred of lies/liars and how I adore trust, openness, and have always encouraged him to tell the truth no matter what, 'ignorance is not bliss' I have told him and requested that he tell me things even if they hurt me. The mild lies he used to tell quite regularly is a habit he's had from childhood, a way to escape blame, to detach himself from culrpit status to victim. He has a psychological dilemma where he often makes himself out to be the victim of a situation and seems incapable sometimes of seeing when and how he is to blame. Admittedly he has improved, now that he is aware of this, and aware of what he is doing, he's starting to open up more, tell the truth, and admit his wrongs. Therefore, I wonder, do I hold strong and wait for him to develop even further as a person, or do I surrender to the little cynnical waves of paranoia that tell me maybe a person can't change. I feel like I'm mainly happy with him when ignoring his past, but if ignorance is not bliss, then why should I indugle myself in such?

by

Ruthbug

20 May 2008 09:55

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Thank you, I agree that the past should be the past, but also he has showed some small signs of not beign deserving of my trust; tiny lies about nothing particularly significant, but he has always known about my hatred of lies/liars and how I adore trust, openness, and have always encouraged him to tell the truth no matter what, 'ignorance is not bliss' I have told him and requested that he tell me things even if they hurt me. The mild lies he used to tell quite regularly is a habit he's had from childhood, a way to escape blame, to detach himself from culrpit status to victim. He has a psychological dilemma where he often makes himself out to be the victim of a situation and seems incapable sometimes of seeing when and how he is to blame. Admittedly he has improved, now that he is aware of this, and aware of what he is doing, he's starting to open up more, tell the truth, and admit his wrongs. Therefore, I wonder, do I hold strong and wait for him to develop even further as a person, or do I surrender to the little cynnical waves of paranoia that tell me maybe a person can't change. I feel like I'm mainly happy with him when ignoring his past, but if ignorance is not bliss, then why should I indugle myself in such?

Comment

Thank you, I agree that the past should be the past, but also he has showed some small signs of not beign deserving of my trust; tiny lies about nothing particularly significant, but he has always known about my hatred of lies/liars and how I adore trust, openness, and have always encouraged him to tell the truth no matter what, 'ignorance is not bliss' I have told him and requested that he tell me things even if they hurt me. The mild lies he used to tell quite regularly is a habit he's had from childhood, a way to escape blame, to detach himself from culrpit status to victim. He has a psychological dilemma where he often makes himself out to be the victim of a situation and seems incapable sometimes of seeing when and how he is to blame. Admittedly he has improved, now that he is aware of this, and aware of what he is doing, he's starting to open up more, tell the truth, and admit his wrongs. Therefore, I wonder, do I hold strong and wait for him to develop even further as a person, or do I surrender to the little cynnical waves of paranoia that tell me maybe a person can't change. I feel like I'm mainly happy with him when ignoring his past, but if ignorance is not bliss, then why should I indugle myself in such?

I think acceptance comes from understanding. I think you may need to confront the things that bother you the most and understand why they bother you, but also why he did them, completely. I think you also just need to just let it go, free yourself of it, stop holding onto it, it is a choice you make, perhaps a subconscious one, but It's still a choice. Perhaps there's a part of you that wants to be disgusted, part of you that wants to keep him away so if he ever does something you have a point to build from. Is be bothered by who he was? Or does he accept it? The fact that you are disgusted by it may not help his perception of himself. I am not proud of who I was, but I evolved into a greater state, and all I can do is accept my past, learn from it, and then free myself from it, because there is nothing I can so about it, just as there is nothing you can do about his. Reasons and possibilities are Endless. Free yourself.

Unrated 0 ratings		by Reevaluate 22 May 2008 13:56		Add a Comment Show All Comments [1] Flag

Thank you for your answer to my question Reevaluate; You're right that acceptance comes from understanding,. I know that the things that bother me do so because they don't coincide with my personal beliefs, and are abhorrent things which make me angry and resentful. If you read my response to fh_shafgat on this page it explains a little more about my situation. I so want to let it go, set myself free, but it's hard to find a way to do that; my usual way to be free is to escape my worry: but that would involve breaking up with him, which would damage me much more than knowledge of his past has damaged me. I have a past full of mistakes and wrongs and bad things; but I accept my own past and move on because I trust myself to do so and I know I've learnt from it....but has he really learnt from his? In retrospect he is disgusted with who he was, and he was still that person when we first met and got to know one another, I inspired him to change, I made him aware, so my perception has affected his in the sense that I have helped abolish the naive ignorance that was clouding his vision for so long. Thing are improving now...but there are things which trigger the pain that I'm not yet free of, things that remind me of those certain parts of his past can reduce me to tears, making me wish I could change his past; and I'm not usually that weak or helpless. I think I'm very scared of feeling this way, because I'm usually so understanding of everything: in the beginning of the relationship he pushed me too far though, he flipped a switch which shouldn't have ever been touched...I need to turn that off to be free.

by

Ruthbug

22 May 2008 17:11

Comment

Thank you for your answer to my question Reevaluate; You're right that acceptance comes from understanding,. I know that the things that bother me do so because they don't coincide with my personal beliefs, and are abhorrent things which make me angry and resentful. If you read my response to fh_shafgat on this page it explains a little more about my situation. I so want to let it go, set myself free, but it's hard to find a way to do that; my usual way to be free is to escape my worry: but that would involve breaking up with him, which would damage me much more than knowledge of his past has damaged me. I have a past full of mistakes and wrongs and bad things; but I accept my own past and move on because I trust myself to do so and I know I've learnt from it....but has he really learnt from his? In retrospect he is disgusted with who he was, and he was still that person when we first met and got to know one another, I inspired him to change, I made him aware, so my perception has affected his in the sense that I have helped abolish the naive ignorance that was clouding his vision for so long. Thing are improving now...but there are things which trigger the pain that I'm not yet free of, things that remind me of those certain parts of his past can reduce me to tears, making me wish I could change his past; and I'm not usually that weak or helpless. I think I'm very scared of feeling this way, because I'm usually so understanding of everything: in the beginning of the relationship he pushed me too far though, he flipped a switch which shouldn't have ever been touched...I need to turn that off to be free.

Comment

Thank you for your answer to my question Reevaluate; You're right that acceptance comes from understanding,. I know that the things that bother me do so because they don't coincide with my personal beliefs, and are abhorrent things which make me angry and resentful. If you read my response to fh_shafgat on this page it explains a little more about my situation. I so want to let it go, set myself free, but it's hard to find a way to do that; my usual way to be free is to escape my worry: but that would involve breaking up with him, which would damage me much more than knowledge of his past has damaged me. I have a past full of mistakes and wrongs and bad things; but I accept my own past and move on because I trust myself to do so and I know I've learnt from it....but has he really learnt from his? In retrospect he is disgusted with who he was, and he was still that person when we first met and got to know one another, I inspired him to change, I made him aware, so my perception has affected his in the sense that I have helped abolish the naive ignorance that was clouding his vision for so long. Thing are improving now...but there are things which trigger the pain that I'm not yet free of, things that remind me of those certain parts of his past can reduce me to tears, making me wish I could change his past; and I'm not usually that weak or helpless. I think I'm very scared of feeling this way, because I'm usually so understanding of everything: in the beginning of the relationship he pushed me too far though, he flipped a switch which shouldn't have ever been touched...I need to turn that off to be free.

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