How Do You Handle The Death Of A Family Member?

You are right that everyone handles death in different ways. I have lost grandparents, brothers, nephews and other close friends and have always faced it head on. As a family, we take it serious but at the same time, we joke a bit as well.

When I look at death, I also look at the pros and cons of it. Cons first and pros last so that it leaves a positive thought of the person in my head.

Cons can be such things as the people (spouse, kids, family and friends) that will miss the person. The unfinished things that are left behind. There are many more but when dealing with death, it is best to keep things on a very high level when thinking about this so I don't become overwhelmed with it.

Pros are that the person has moved on to a better life and no longer has to suffer from the pains of medical problems or personal issues. The lives this person has touched and made a positive impact. The memories that have been laid that never would have been if not for having the person in my life. Again, a high level as it too can be overwhelming if you drill down.

Then look at how this person would want their death celebrated (yes, celebrated). Myself, I would want a funeral for those that get closure from this type of event. As far as the expense, I want the least amount spent. Put me in a pine box and toss me in the ground. Take the extra money and throw a party in my honor as I would want everyone to toast what a great life I had while I was here.

One thing we must all remember is that we are only on this earth for a short time and all things as we know it, must come to an end. Celebrate the ending as it is the beginning of something new in many different ways.

It is really hard and different for each individual to handle the death of a family member. It depends on how you vent your frustrations and emotions. I've lost several people close to me and each time it's been different.

You just have to move on because the person who died wouldn't want you to stay sad

Very good question and opportunity to reflect. Thank you for asking this.

Death is harder for those left behind than for the person departed.   Depending on each person's world view and psychological make up, each handles grief differently.  

There used to be a time when I was extremely emotional, as well.  The last 15-20 years I had a change in the way I looked at death.  I no longer see it as an enemy, but rather as a reality of life.  Since I could not change it, I have learned somehow to reconcile myself with that reality.  I also look, not at the loss that I suffer, but at the gain of the deceased, who is now free from pain and entering a new beginning.  For them, death is a relief from pain and sickness and from unforeseen difficulties.

Most of the time, I use the funeral as an opportunity to celebrate and acknowledge the positive difference the departed person has made in this world, and as an opportunity to reflect on my own life and how I live it. If the deceased person is younger, I think of how many life difficulties they have been spared from.  When my mother died, I did cry some, but those were tears of joy, and I really congratulated her for finishing well (she died of cancer at age 83).  I still miss her, but I accepted my loss for her sake.

Earlier or later, we will all leave this world.  When I do, I would like to be celebrated for the life I lived and for the positive influence I have made in the lives of others.

That does not mean that the death of a dear one leaves me untouched or detached.  I am affected, but the above thoughts and perspectives have helped me immensely to use the funeral as a time of celebration, and closure.

I've learned recently about how differently family members handle their grief. I trek through mine by jumping up to "handle" everything. I stay busy and keep myself right in the middle of what's going on. My Dad stands aside and just hugs whenever I stand still for a moment. My brother cracks jokes and makes goofy comments. Another brother gets very sarcastic and is ticked off at the world. Some family members and friends could not attend the funeral, I judged them, perhaps I shouldn't but I'll admit I did. Some of us look at the tradition of death ceremonies as an opportunity to pay our last respects and show love. I've learned that others simply cannot see their loved one after they've passed. I've taken on the belief that once the last breath has been drawn, the person we love has left their body, it is just the "packaging" and the spirit has left it now. I no longer judge those who weren't able to attend my sister's funeral, I know they grieved and can't blame them for not being able to participate in our ceremonial farewell, I'm just glad there are those who can share these moments because some of us do need to have them in order to find "closure" or maybe better to say acceptance of the body's finality.