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How Do You Tell Someone They Need To Be A Better Parent?

I don't know what to do. My friend is married with 3 kids under 8. The kids are loved, fed, clothed, housed, and go to school.. BUT they are little devils! They have no discipline. They take cereal out of the cabinet and dump it on the floor.. They hit and yell at each other.. Have no manors, etc. I love this family and I am very concerned about the kids futures, but how do you tell someone they are a 'bad' parent? The mom gets very defensive at the slightest criticism, and the dad doesnt seem to care. HELP!

asked 10 months ago

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Rostdu

For a start there are very few 'bad' parents and as you have found parents do not respond well to any perceived criticism of their parenting skills. It is no good tackling the mum on her own, you need to tackle the dad as well. Also what you see as good parenting may not be their idea of good parenting. Firstly you have to look at their childhood and parents, were they good role models? Are they young parents themselves? What help and advice are they given by their own parents? My wifes parents only had girls, we have a boy and they let him get away with lots of things I don't, they think I am too strict with him saying " he's only being a boy" but as they have no experience of bringing up boys they, quite frankly don't know what they are talking about. I had a younger brother and nephews who are now in their teens that I have helped out with so I think I have a better idea than them. Anyway back to your problem: Talk to them both and offer to help, don't be critical, start off with "I know you may think I am interfering but I want to help". Then explain, again without being critical, that you feel that they could be struggling a bit seeing as the kids are all under eight ( looks like they might not have had time to learn properly with the first before the next one came along). If you feel they are being receptive, suggest you do a bit of research with them (arm yourself first of course, but try to make it look like they are in control of this). I would suggest you look in to the 'SuperNanny' series of programms and material, I can't remember her full name Jo someone, I do remember there was one particular programm that this was covered in (regarding 3 or 4 kids born close together) - it may pay you to do some research on this first so you can gently nudge them in the right direction.

answered 10 months ago

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The mom grew up with a good family but her father past away 6 years ago and the whole family had sort of gone in the wrong direction since that point. The father had a broken home, he has an estranged father and his mother past away about 10 yrs ago. And yes, they are fairly young, under age 30. I know everyone has different ideas of what good or bad parenting is, but in my opinion, most people would agree there needs to be changes made in the household. I really think it comes down to laziness. They see or hear one of the kids doing something wrong and they might say/yell "stop doing that" but when they don't stop, the parent immediately gives up. The kids know exactly how to work them. They have learned from experience that they can get away with just about anything. The problems get ignored and get worse. Then, usually the father, gets fed up with whats going on and yells at or spanks the kids. In my opinion it is not the kids fault, they are only reacting to what they have learned. I'm just at my wits end, and want them to make changes, but still am very worried about bringing it up. And as for "Super nanny", they watch the show and criticize the families and have no idea that there home is worse then theirs. I just don't know what to do.

comment made by Karen4s2 10 months ago Report

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The mom grew up with a good family but her father past away 6 years ago and the whole family had sort of gone in the wrong direction since that point. The father had a broken home, he has an estranged father and his mother past away about 10 yrs ago. And yes, they are fairly young, under age 30. I know everyone has different ideas of what good or bad parenting is, but in my opinion, most people would agree there needs to be changes made in the household. I really think it comes down to laziness. They see or hear one of the kids doing something wrong and they might say/yell "stop doing that" but when they don't stop, the parent immediately gives up. The kids know exactly how to work them. They have learned from experience that they can get away with just about anything. The problems get ignored and get worse. Then, usually the father, gets fed up with whats going on and yells at or spanks the kids. In my opinion it is not the kids fault, they are only reacting to what they have learned. I'm just at my wits end, and want them to make changes, but still am very worried about bringing it up. And as for "Super nanny", they watch the show and criticize the families and have no idea that there home is worse then theirs. I just don't know what to do.

Abundant1

It sounds to me like one or both of the parents may be dealing with depression. I've been through this. Criticising or offering "help" will only make their depression worse. They already know where they are lacking as parents, no need to remind them. Encourage them (the parents) in their accomplishments, give them compliments, anything to lighten their mood, and lift their spirits, you'll see a change, once they feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

answered 10 months ago

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