Answers
First of all, don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or dealing with your emotional responses. That is very personal territory and varies from individual to individual.
There are, however, distinct stages in the bereavement process that have been isolated through study of this subject and one of them is anger. That's obviously the stage you're at now.
Rationally, i'm sure you don't really blame your husband for dying but anger is often a disguise for pain. When you're ready, the tears will flow, and the grief will wash away all the uncertainty of the present. Once that happens, you'll reach the stage of acceptance. Trust and go with your feelings.
It may be appropriate to seek bereavement therapy in the meantime because without it, you could be left with deep-seated and unresolved emotional problems. Bereavement after-effects can run very deep.
Expression of feelings varies from person to person. Like some people cry when they are happy. Similarly you are trying to be strong from inside and of course you are feeling sad and alone by showing your anger. You are right for thinking about your late husband for leaving you alone to face this cruel world. You are angry because you say that your husband knew he had a heart condition and should have been careful in performing his job.
Well, from your husband's perspective I would say he was being very much thoughtful for you to give you every comfort in life while putting his own life at stake for you. The other aspect could be he was very much a true and faithful worker and sincere to his job or assignment that he preferred it the most. In both cases I am not able to think bad for him. Although, he should have careful for his health, but death is not the matter to decide for some person, that when and how he has to die. It is the God's will. So my sympathies are for you and I appreciate your strength at this very difficult time. May! God help you.
Personally, I think you should talk to a professional because obviously this must be really hard on you, you need someone who's going to listen to you, so can get ahead in life because you're still alive and whether you like or not you have to go on with your life with the rest of your family.
I'm sure your family are only trying to help you but they don't really know how.
I can only tell you about someone I knew who was acting just like your husband. He said that what he did was because he loved his family so much he didn't want to leave his family in financial problems and we told him it wasn't the most important thing at that time for his family, but he said that in case he wouldn't be there for them one day, at least it would be one less thing to worry about.
He also said that work was one of the thing he did best in his life.
This guy worked for his living but he also worked for a past-time, that's what he loved to do.
So, in the end he said that what he did, he did for the love of his family and also for himself. He said he had only one life to live and he lived it the way he thought best.
Also, my dad has had a heart condition since he was 42, and now he's 62 and he always pushed himself like that and we continuously tell him to relax , that it's not good for him, because of course we're afraid of losing him, but he also said he has one life to live and he'll live it the way he wants to, that he's not going to wait around to die.
At some point I was really worried and I talked to a health professional and he told me that if that's what my dad wants, and that's the choice he made that we have to respect him, respect his choice for his life and learn to live with it, that we can't decide what others will do with their life, we just have to accept it. It's a real hard thing to do. At the beginning I hated that doctor for saying that to me but now, after a while I know why he did.
I look at my dad and he doesn't stop one minute, but he's happy and that's what HE wants to do with his life, he pushes himself all the time, it's never enough but my mom said he's been like that all his life. She knows him best and she knows he'll never stop because he's afraid that if he does stop pushing himself that's when he'll die. And she says he's probably right, he needs the action and the exercise.
So, I realize that I was selfish because I want my dad to be around longer because I love him, but I want him to be happy and proud of himself so learned to accept his choice and and instead of worrying, just enjoy the time we have with him. We don't know when he'll die but when he does, it's going to hurt a lot, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it but that it'll be my problem. He's always there for us so now it's up to us to support him in his decision and be there for him.
And one day when he won't be there anymore, it's going to be hard to live without him in our lives but I'll remember all the good things we did as a family and I'll have good memories of him for the rest of my life and hopefully it's going to help me to get on with my life.
Your reaction to your husbands death is understandable in the circumstances.
Try though to look at why your husband did what he did. perhaps he was frightened and this was the only way he could cope. Loosing a partner is devastating and no-one can predict how they are going to feel or when the different feelings will come. Bitterness and anger are part of the grieving process. I know people always say time will heal and to some extent it does but I know that reactions to grief can be delayed and unfamiliar. If your feelings remain like this for too long they will stop you from being able to get on with your life again.
No one can tell anyone how they should feel in a situation like this and you need to talk to someone who will either just listen or help you through a grief can be a very lonely thing.
All this is a great reaction to what has happened and you might feel all sorts of other emotions too over the next year or so.
I think that your anger is a very understandable thing and it's grief in disguise. I hope eventually you find some peace and manage to start a life with some happiness in it.
I know how it is to lose someone and people have different ways of expressing their feelings. He must have really loved to work and wanted to support you.
My dad died when I was just 2 years old and I am 14 now. When people ask me where my dad is, I answer normally and say he is dead. Sometimes they ask me why I don't cry. I simply have different ways of expressing myself.
Your husband was very lucky to have you - it sounds like he meant a great deal to you; so sorry for your loss. Hope that you know who you mean this much to, as well.
My dear, I understand how you must feel...
Losing a partner is a terrible thing to happen, and most especially if you are young, and you have children to take care of and to bring up.
Anger is in actuality grief in disguise, and since it is a human failing to find someone to blame, for something that has happened, out of your control, you probably feel that if you get angry at your husband, you will be able to deal with the situation in a better way.
Talk with someone, or opt for grief counseling. A professional would be able to guide you better.
Think positive, and stay healthy.
You have to be there for your kids, don't you?
I personally wouldn't let anybody else sit here and try to tell me how I should be feeling and what I should be thinking right now through this process , and I don't think you should be either, thats a personal thing that nobody else can feel and go through except you. And I am sure you don't blame your husband for dying, I mean, but I can understand what stage you're at now though. You're just full of anger and just angry at everything, and you will get past that and go through the crying process, some people just start off at different stages and yours was the angry part first.
A lot of people use anger to get rid of their pain instead of crying, but before too long you will let the tears flow, and its going to be hard to live without him and I know that, but sit there and remember all the good times you guys had and all the fun stuff you did, and just remember all of the positive things and it might take some crying to go through that, but that will make you get through it better than resenting him and being mad at him and everyone else; just remember how good a person he was and what he brought to your life. Live with all of the good memories.
Maye he was trying to help the family by going to work, trying to forget about the heart condition which is bad, just it seems like he pushed it to far and it seems like your condition isnt too rare.
In a previous post... You said your ex husband started seriously dating a woman which bothered you a lot (did you try to mask the pain of that by saying he died... or mask the pain of him dying by saying he just left you? or mask it by saying he still comes around?) ... You should get your story straight so I can give you some honest advice on your life.
Try e-mailing me and I'll give you all the advice you need...
fadedhorizon@hotmail.com
Add Comment
