What Are The Most Bizarre Vending Machine Items?

Vending machines are typically known as the best place to get an overpriced bottle of soda, or some chips that never quite replace the 2 meals you’ve missed that day. In our narrow way of thinking, we tend to think of vending machines as small, mechanized snack food dispensaries and nothing more. We in the Western world tend to be a little unimaginative with our vending machines. We think a vending machine with a credit card slot is a massive leap forward when it’s not even close to the astoundingly strange, yet magnificently cool vending machines that are actually out there.

Here are some of them.

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Live Bait Vending Machine

Are you the type of person that will be walking around your city on your lunch break when you are suddenly overcome with the insatiable urge to go fishing?  If you are then you had better hope that you don’t live near one of these things because your mysterious post-lunch disappearance from work will either get your fired, or will spark a 12 state manhunt for you, depending, of course, on whether or not your office is filled with over-reacting lunatics or not.

Porn Vending Machine

Instantly and readily available porn magazines in public places is far from the greatest idea ever. I mean, this can only cater to the young and randy teenage boy market, or the street wandering sex maniac demographic – two markets that are ethically challenged and are libel to perform some rather unsavory sexual acts in said public places. There are no soccer moms grappling with their fidgety Riddlin-hungry kids stopping on the way to McDonalds to pick up some magazines filled with naked women presumably doing very lude and lascivious acts that may or may not involve men and animals.

My guess is that these things exist solely to anger and tempt sex addicts on the way to their group meetings.

Tie Vending Machine

Here’s the scenario: You’re a high-powered business man with your totally awesome brick cell phone. You’ve got your briefcase loaded with all manner of documents, memos, stock projections, and contracts. You’re racing down the street with your totally sweet Armani jacket billowing in the wind. You’re in a mad dash to make it to the office because you’re late for your meeting with the Japanese firm that, under a contractual technicality, can actually kill you if you’re late for work.

Half way to the office you realize something horrible: You forgot to put on a tie. If you walk in to work with no tie, the Japanese conglomerate that can technically kill you if you’re late can technically kill you for not sporting a spiffy tie. In your moment of panic filled realization your life flashes before your eyes. Just before you decided to take your own life with a brick cell phone to the cranium, you spot the one thing that will save you…a vending machine filled with ties. Why is it filled with ties and not delicious candies and treats? Who knows? But it has ties in it and ties are what you need to save your life. You slip in your cash, a tie is dispensed. You race up 48 floors to your office (because your elevator is broken). The Japanese firm that can technically kill you if you are not wearing a tie has a representative there that day.
He complements you on your tie.

It. IS.AWESOME. And so are you.

But you were late, so he kills you.

Fortune Telling Vending Machine

Real fortune tellers are generally pretty useless. They usually play off of generalities and commonalities that all humans share. Once they zero in on just what you want to hear, they go in for the kill and offer you the most generic fortune possible.

A fortune telling vending machine strips all of the theatrics and just treats you the same way a human fortune teller would if they were to cut the crap and just spin a wheel of fortunes (so to speak) and then ask for money.

Egg Vending Machines

Eggs, dude. EGGS! Quick! You have onions. You have bacon. You peppers. You have potatoes. You have everything you need for your signature “Start the day with a kick-ass omelet” omelet. But there is one thing you forgot to pick up from the grocery store. Eggs. Eggs, dude. You forgot the eggs. You can’t possibly be expected to supply a steady stream of prompt ass kicking throughout the day if you don’t have your “Start the day with a kick-ass omelet” omelet. What do you do? Go to a store that sells eggs? NO! What is this? The 17th century?! No! It’s the double-zeros or whatever we’re calling this decade! It’s time to get futuristic with your egg delivery system.

Head to the egg vending machine and pop in some coins. When a sufficient number of coins have been deposited, simply push a button and a little window will spring open. In side this magical never land of a vending machine is a sack of eggs. Totally awesome farm fresh eggs, dude! You’ve got your eggs. You’ve got your omelet. You’re ready to kick ass.

The Used Panties of Japanese Schoolgirls

Let’s just cut right to the chase: If you use this machine, you are a crazy person. There are no 2-ways about it. You are sick and twisted and a little dangerous. There is absolutely no need – none whatsoever – to make the previously worn underwear of teenage girls an item you might pick up on a whim while walking your dog. Even if you have a practical reason for it, it’s still insane. You will not be a good parent if your daughter asked you to buy her some underwear, so you go get her someone else’s from a machine.
  
This machine probably caters to the same market as the porn vending machine above. Perverts and sickos. No one else. Thankfully, these things don’t exist anymore. Or, at least they aren’t supposed to. If you walk the streets of Osaka you may still catch a fleeting glimpse of one as you run in fear from the crazy crowd of sex offenders that surround it.